On Discord, I’m referred to as Good Things Fall Apart#7907 I own a server for Story Telling, (pretty nifty or something), I also enjoy Technology, but that isn't important for what I'm about to say. My story gets pretty deep into myself. It may not sound the sanest, and some people might think I'm crazy... I probably am :P.
I grew up in a small town in the State of Kansas in the United States of America. When I was younger people thought I was cool. Probably because I didn't wear a mask. I didn't tell people I was someone I’m not. But I’ll get to that in a moment. I grew up wearing hearing aids (I don’t anymore), and always wore glasses, still, do, they’re gorilla glued together. Anyways, I grew up in a middle-class family. But my parents split when I was like, 2 or something. So, I’ve always switched between families.
When I was in Kindergarten to 3rd grade. I wasn't the most hated person in the world, I would even consider myself lucky to have been popular at the time. Then again, it's also a child's popularity. Anyways, in the fourth grade my life kind of changed. Schools merged, so my small classes of 10-15-20 people changed to classes of nearly 28. It was horrifying to anticipate. Most of the people weren't very nice either. They were immediately so much better than everyone else. Everyone took a liking to all of them. Some of them I still must see every day of my life (a lot of them are in the same English III class as me. It sucks.) At the same time, so many other things were happening. Before this, I hadn't experienced too much loss at the time. But in this year (2010) my grandfather died. He was one of my biggest role models. I looked up to him a lot. Only two or three years before this my step-sister died. Both to cancer. I was in shambles. Everything was changing against me. Since everything else was changing, I decided I had to change to. Change with the times, right?
I decided to wear a mask. To hide inside someone one, who is also still me. Hide all my pain under being someone else. The odd part is that I choose to base this persona off a story I had written the previous year. I had always loved story writing and telling, though it was more of a secret passion. I decided on the persona I did because it made me seem so outgoing, I would become ignored. If I just sunk into depression other people would notice, that would counteract my goal. It sounds bad having a goal like this. To be ignored. But emotions are weird things. They confound me. So, I lived in this persona. This is where things start to take a turn for the worse. I started secluding myself from everyone else and everything. I started to get into Gaming, Technology, and annoying people. My plan, kind of worked. I started to get into the popular game around the time Minecraft (which I had played the Pre-Classics and Alphas already, but I got INTO it...anyways...good game). I started to simultaneously ignore and annoy people, at the same time. It wasn't very hard with the kind of content I would watch on YouTube and the fact that I live in a town where its sports over everything (I once got in trouble for not being able to do a sit-up “properly”). I started to sink into this further and further, beyond control. This is when I lost control.
I made it through one year using this persona, I started to just live in it. Accepting it. People hated me in high extents and I started to love it. I made it through fifth grade the same. I did some weird annoying things, people went from liking me to hating me immediately. But in the sixth grade I met a girl, her name was Amberley, she was great. She was what I thought was the love of my life. I wouldn’t have met her without switching my classes. So that worked out. Unfortunately. I fell in love with her, both “halves” of me. So collectively a new persona was created. One to tailor for her liking. It worked for the longest time. I was friends with her and one of my old friends from like, Kindergarten, for a very long time. We had a lot of common interest. But I never told her of my small crush on her. I regret that. Had I done that, maybe none of this would have continued longer? Oh well, can't change the past now. Anyways, later that year she left. One of my only true friends left. She attended another school that was more formal, more advanced, bearing in mind that my school has managed to rate ⅕ stars on Google reviews as of now (so I might be the only review that is one start, what's your point), people either really like the school, mostly for the sports opportunity, or hate it, as it is sports focused. Which isn't my kind of thing. I prefer things like English, and Science, and other nerd things. Anyways, over time my depression returned, I start sinking back into the old persona, there’s nothing to impress now. I started forgetting whom I am, believing this is who I am, the annoying hated kid. Press F to pay respect.
I started to look for the approval of others in my seventh-grade year. So many people hated me by now, not many new ones had come in. There was this one group of people I would constantly annoy. A Scary chubbier kid (he death threats me later, I get to call him fat, he was kind of a... well Hole), I would also resort to annoying them all, in extreme ways, I don't know why Genuinely. It's just what I did. But there was this one girl in the group, Lisa, who truly caught my attention, she was sort of another crush for me. So, I did everyone to catch her approval, unfortunately here and someone else started Dating, Luke. Now I had a genuine murderer after me (he got expelled for making a bomb joke about Columbine, on the anniversary of the Columbine attack...it also didn't seem like a joke). The worst part is Lisa and I became friends the next year. The same year my approval seeking and now persona hoping got me Death Threatened and stabbed in the hand with a Pencil. Oh, yea. I had created a persona for just about everyone. Everyone I hated. Everyone I liked. The persona started basically making themselves. Maybe it's because I was heavily writing stories, one of the few things that made me feel like myself. I was horrified, I started falling behind in classes from the stress of it all. The worse part is, I still wasn’t self-aware of the issue. Plus, few people gave me approval, and it sucks.
In the summer of my Seventh-Grade year, I met back up with Amberle through Facebook. I invited her to come and hang out and eat food with my family. We hung out for several hours, I slipped back into that persona one last time. I enjoyed the time. In fact, right as she left. I felt left again, so I pulled out my phone and sent her a text message. The message contained my feelings. I explained to her a false, but not unrealistic reason, that I was so awkward. I told her I loved her. Oddly, a lot of personas jumped in, this text jumped around everywhere. But she accepted. We were now dating. It was odd. We dated for three years. Broke up several times and got back together almost immediately every time. Little did I realize she was manipulating me. Using me. Making me feel happy, then making me sad, then making me happy again. She would abuse my emotions. This was a distanced relationship, she would take advantage of that, not talk to me for weeks at a time, then come back, then leave. She did it on purpose, as I would later find out. She caused so many personas to be created. Get upset. So many odd things. I don't fully know what she did, but she caused World War between these personas. It was chaos. We broke up later in my freshman year of High School. I woke up one morning to a text message that said we should break up, and see other people, she promised we could be friends. But ignored me. I would later find out she cheated on me. She sent her friends to taunt me over my sadness of the situation. Then the personas broke, she got several messages, both accepting, and in denial, both happy and sad, angry and depressed all in one message. Then she apologized, promised we could still be friends, then blocked me. I bought her anything I could afford. I tried often to see her, I sent her text almost every day. Just for this. A few personas were created this day. All my opinions of Amberle split. It was very...odd.
In my late freshmen year. My mother was just being stupid as always. I haven't mentioned it yet, but my mother isn't the greatest person. She has good intentions but when played out she just causes drama. She probably has more to do with this than I think she does. Things got so stressful on her side of the family. I spent more time over at my fathers (usually we were split into half weeks). My sisters over there were on drugs causing drama. My brother was having mental breakdowns over it (he moved to my father before me). The only support most of the personas thought we had, was Lisa. Who had her own problems personally, like bad. We bonded over the problems in our life. All the stress got so bad at a point that I started contemplating suicide. Very few times did the true me step out, mostly because I was lost. But I did this time. I walked into so many different sides here. Having so many personas fighting over the one topic was like walking into a congress room during a giant debate on sanctions, it was chaos. I was the one who had to make the final decision. As you can probably tell, good won over evil. A lot of personas I just never lived again...it was odd truly. But acceptable. Then I went back into hiding under the mask of the personas for another two years. Never contemplated again. Eventually, I moved fully over to my fathers, I have no regrets there.
Last year was one of the crappiest years of my life. (2017, not 18). I told Lisa how I felt. She was, and still is, dating Luke. I told her how I felt. This was over spring break. She had decided to go Home Schooled that year and decided to hang out, I let her dye my hair. I don’t know who I was when all of this happened. We played Minecraft for several hours, tile 1 am. And just talked. Eventually, somehow, we got into talking about Sex. Weird stuff. Somehow this got me thinking, “You’re weird too. We match. I obviously love you”/ All the personas, who had a good opinion of Lisa, told her different things. It was truly a great thing. But she ended up saying no, she was taken. I don’t know what I was thinking. To this day the crack in the bridge I caused is still there in our friendship. She came back this year, and it is getting better, she was one of the first two people I told about all of this when I became aware recently, and we’re better, not great but better. Me and her Boyfriend, who also knows about all of this, and wave been friends, play Pathfinder and hang out. Even after all of that. I haven’t talked to him since I told him about my Identity Crisis, but I think we're cool.
The only problem that remains now. Is that I don’t know who I am. I became aware of what was happening over the last few months and decided to try and get out of it. I’ve been digging myself out. It got so bad throughout my fight with my own mind, that I see other personas in mirrors, as figments of my imagination, I can talk to them and everything. I might be insane. But slowly I’m erasing these personas. Through the same thing that created them. Recently I found an old notebook of mine. I noticed that the *majority* of my personas are based on stories vie wrote in the past. I use that against them. I sometimes just counter write them. Sometimes I can just read the story and add an ending and feel satisfied. It’s very strange to me. I still remember everything that’s happened. I’m rebuilding who I am Piece by Piece. I’ve become a better person to others. I still have a lot of my friends from Discord Servers, and Video Games, and my college classes for Information Technical Services that I love. Most of them, if they know, have been super supportive. I’m scared of what’ll happen and I still have a long way to go to figure myself out. But we’ll see what happens. Thank you for reading, I’ll try to update you guys if anything changes. I’m scared of opening to things like this. But telling it like a story has definitely helped. One of the things remain. I will always write stories. - Thank you for reading. P.S. If I can pull a moral out of this, I’m just going to say be yourself. Don’t like life put you in cruise. All of this now feels like it passed fast. I regret a lot of it. Don’t deal with pain by covering yourself. Don’t wear a mask. Be you. You are great. People can accept you.
-Caleb & Co. <3